I realized I hadn’t had a marital spat since I started dating Suella and the others.
Basically, they are all gentle women, blessed with both good looks and intelligence, who will point out when I’m in the wrong.
It’s mostly my fault for worrying them, and I try my best to avoid causing them any dissatisfaction in my daily actions.
There’s no reason to clash with them when they recognize my efforts.
Therefore, while we’ve never had a true quarrel, this time for a moment my head went hot, and I was about to confront Evia in a low voice.
“…No, I’m sorry. I panicked.”
“Rest assured, I understand how you feel.”
Self-analysis of what I was about to do immediately brought my mind back to a calm state.
It’s wrong to send Suella to the battlefield, but it’s okay for me to go for work.
What’s with that contradiction?
I was aware of the danger, which is why I almost became emotional.
I covered my face with my hands, took a deep breath, and suppressed the waves of magic power.
But my heated mind wouldn’t cool down.
I’ve been told repeatedly not to be emotional, yet here I am.
I’m revealing my immaturity.
Evia’s gentle pat on my shoulder felt painful now.
“…Haa, haa, I’m sorry.”
“Yes.”
After taking several deep breaths, I finally managed to suppress the waves of magic power.
“I understand the circumstances… Knowing that, let me ask, are you being pushed that hard?”
But I can’t face them and talk right now.
I suppress my personal thoughts with reason.
The me that’s here now is undoubtedly the me as a working adult.
I suppress my aversion to emotions and try to handle things with the logical thought of necessity.
That’s why I’m asking Evia’s question with a voice that minimizes emotional fluctuations as much as possible.
Ah, I thought I had grown.
“We are not being pushed. However, it’s a fact that we are short-staffed, including Suella and the other administrative officials. If we’re talking about fighters who can be sent to Raidou’s front line, the pool of such talent decreases. Suella is one of the few individuals skilled in combat and also adept at administrative work.”
“I see.”
Even so, I’m struggling so hard to suppress my emotions, my selfish desire not to have her go.
I don’t want Suella to participate in the war.
What am I thinking?
What about Evia then?
What about Keiri?
What about Memoria, who is active in the trade routes?
There are dangers facing them as well, albeit to varying degrees.
Yet, I’m treating Suella as special?
Don’t be ridiculous.
Am I stupid?
Am I arrogant?
“You may not agree, but the front line doesn’t have much room to spare. We are on the offensive, but the situation can change with a single mistake on the chessboard. The Demon Lord has made this decision to prevent that. It is an officially issued order.”
“I understand.”
As a working adult, I already accept and understand it.
But as an individual, I’m screaming that I don’t want it.
Knowing the importance of peace, I want Suella to stay in that peace.
I’ll bear all the dangers.
What is that?
It’s not wrong.
But it’s selfish.
“If that’s the case, then I suppose it can’t be helped.”
“…No, if you, a general of the Demon Lord’s Army, insist that Suella is a hindrance, that order can be overturned. In fact, while I have been training Suella, she has been away from actual combat and has a significant gap. If you consider that, and also bring up Yukiera and the others, the Demon Lord might change his opinion.”
Therefore, I tried to suppress my emotions.
Evia, who is feeding me sweet words not to do that, is truly a devil.
But those words are a warning born from her kindness.
I am in a position where I don’t need to hold back.
I can use my authority, twist my actions, and if I demonstrate my legitimacy through my abilities, my opinion will be heard.
If I close my eyes to the problems that arise in the process, I can follow my emotions.
“…Hahaha, do you think I can do something like that?”
In other words, I would be forced to state from my own mouth that Suella is unreliable, and thereby bring about subordinates who would be put in danger by that decision.
What kind of nonsense is that?
Am I being told to say I don’t trust Suella?
I can’t do that.
I don’t trust Suella, but I’ll take Keiri?
Am I an idiot?
Suella should just stay home?
That’s absurd.
It was then that I was finally able to look at Suella’s face again.
I had shown such a pathetic sight.
I thought she would be disappointed or sad.
But Suella was unchanged, showing a smile with the composure of a slightly older sister, as if to say it can’t be helped.
“I’m sorry for forcing you to make a difficult choice.”
“…It’s painful that I can’t deny it.”
Then, she softly lowered her eyes and apologized with a grave expression.
I want to say there’s no reason for her to apologize. This is an emotional outburst caused by my indecisiveness.
The desire for the person I love to be in a safe place.
But also the conviction that if she trusts me, she can be relied upon.
These two are at odds.
“Honestly, I wanted you to be in charge of rear support, like you mentioned earlier.”
“As Evia-sama said earlier, this month is to check if my skills as an administrative official have deteriorated. If I’m not suitable, then I would have taken over Keiri’s job, and Keiri would have gone to the battlefield.”
“The fact that we’re even having this conversation…”
A look of slight exhaustion appeared on my face.
I’m aware of it.
When I turned that look toward Keiri, she just shrugged.
“The word ‘blank’ means absolutely nothing for Suella. Instead, she gained energy while resting. Both her combat and administrative skills are sharper than ever.”
She vouched for Suella’s abilities.
“If you’re going to the battlefield, it will be harder to see the children. They need their mother.”
I haven’t doubted her abilities from the start.
The contradictory flow of the conversation was probably just a prelude to make me listen.
Logically speaking, if Suella provides support, I am confident that I can proceed with the battle without any problems.
I trust her that much.
However, I can’t take her to the battlefield and make her agree with just that.
“Himik is here. Memoria is here. Keiri is here. And Evia-sama has promised to check on me regularly. I also consulted my mother.”
Even bringing up her position as a mother, my only lifeline, didn’t waver her resolve.
She probably wrestled with herself while I was asleep.
Fulfilling her duty as a mother by sending me off to war, and supporting me as a woman.
“As a mother, this decision is wrong. I’m aware of that. However, Jiro-san, I couldn’t bear to be a woman who just waits for you while you’re alone on the battlefield.”
Waiting is a battle against anxiety.
Where I’m going is the battlefield.
The anxiety will be even more pronounced.
Even if I’m called a failure as a mother, I want to be with the man I love.
That’s what Suella said.
“…It’s my fault for worrying you so much that I’ve lost the trust in my word ‘it’s alright’.”
My track record is probably what created that feeling.
Every time I say “it’s alright,” I come back battered and bruised.
The trust in my word “it’s alright” is almost zero.
So far, I’ve managed to survive 100% of the time, but even I think it’s unreasonable to expect that to provide peace of mind.
I made her make a choice that a mother shouldn’t make.
I don’t want to agree.
But I can’t disagree either.
I can understand.
But I can’t accept it.
And the cause is me.
“Just because you’re going to the battlefield doesn’t mean you won’t come back. It might be a small comfort, but once things stabilize there, we can increase the opportunities for Suella to see the children regularly.”
“Evia, you understand what it means to say that here, don’t you?”
“Of course. Otherwise, I wouldn’t say it. To be honest, if I weren’t pregnant, I would have gone myself. You understand what that means, don’t you?”
“So, you’re saying that Suella is the only available person who is trusted and can be entrusted as a substitute, with no one else free…”
“That’s right.”
The Demon Lord’s Army does indeed have exceptionally high quality among its ranks.
However, in terms of sheer numbers, it’s not as well-equipped.
There are many races, like Dark Elves and demons, who are not good at increasing their numbers.
There are races like Beastkin and Lizardmen who can reproduce at a rate similar to humans, but they have their own unique cultures and form communities.
Therefore, it’s difficult to produce versatile administrative officials.
Taking a deep breath, I finally calmed down and processed Evia’s words, making a judgment based on the situation and my emotions.
“If it comes to it, I want you to guarantee that Suella will be prioritized for evacuation.”
“Jiro-san!”
“That is absolute. Those children need their mother.”
“…That’s reasonable. A situation where the general takes the lead in retreating is equivalent to the army’s collapse. In such a situation, having personnel familiar with internal affairs retreat would be more militarily useful.”
I will get one guarantee.
We must not create an environment where Yukiera and Sachiera lose both their father and mother.
As a last resort, Suella’s eyes widened and she raised her voice when I expressed my choice to charge in and buy time. Evia stopped her.
There was a decisive difference in our positions, mine and Suella’s.
In military matters, a general is an absolute existence.
Therefore, while they have various authorities, there are also things that are not allowed.
That is the unwritten rule on the battlefield: a general is not allowed to be the first to retreat.
A general stands on the front line, leading the soldiers; they are not meant to be protected.
There’s no problem with a general waiting in the rear, but prioritizing retreat is unthinkable in the Demon Lord’s Army.
For the Demon Lord’s Army, which upholds the absolute unwritten rule of the strong, desertion is the worst sin.
Therefore, a general is only permitted to retreat when the army is annihilated and they are covering the rear during a successful withdrawal.
It’s not that they don’t understand this.
The responsibility that comes with the power I have been granted.
That is to remain the strongest within the army.
The strongest do not run.
Therefore, each general is allowed to wield their power.
“That’s… even for you.”
“I can’t compromise on this. After all, I’ve survived, haven’t I? My tenacity is renowned. I’ve decided that I’ll only die of old age.”
I am no exception.
If, for example, there were a full-scale war with Isal’s army, I would stand on the front lines and rampage.
If I didn’t do that, I couldn’t call myself a general.
The business trip talk is over. I agreed to Suella’s accompanying me, and in return, I secured her safety.
This is a perfectly normal exchange for the Demon Lord’s Army.
“So it has come to this.”
“It was bound to happen. My prognosis was too optimistic. No, in this case, I should say I was too lenient.”
“No, that applies to me as well. There was a part of me that thought you would eventually accept it by saying it couldn’t be helped.”
However, that exchange created a rather awkward atmosphere.
No one is to blame.
Even though I understand that, it’s an outcome I can’t accept.
Evia and Keiri could vaguely tell from their expressions that they had more or less predicted this.
Memoria and Himik probably leaned towards Suella’s ideology.
They all seem to be accepting it reluctantly.
“That’s overestimating me. I have my own parts that I can’t back down on.”
I want to believe it’s not enough to leave a grudge, but I understand that if left unresolved, it will become a problem.
I scratch my head.
What should I do now? I ponder.
What I said earlier was just a wish that she survive.
However, depending on how it’s received, it could also be interpreted as saying she’s in danger due to her abilities.
I thought I shouldn’t leave that discrepancy unresolved.
Word of the day:
Rethink and aim for perfection.
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