The moon quietly climbed up from outside the window.
Through repeated touches of lips and tongues, Jiang Huai suddenly realized something: nothing was tiresome, and kissing was no exception. If at first, both their heartbeats were rapid and fervent, with the passage of time, as their lips grew numb, and the hazy illusions and desires were satisfied, their hearts would also gradually become numb.
He suddenly remembered what Luo Yueguan had just said, “It’s just because you don’t like me enough.” At first, he couldn’t find a retort, and it did seem reasonable. In the end, it was still because of insufficient liking. If they liked each other enough, would they not care so much?
But if one had to do something to prove their liking, Jiang Huai didn’t want to be the one who had to prove it. The moment doubt arose, the crime had already been established. Tiny broken gaps required immense effort to fill.
Besides, he knew he didn’t like her that much either.
Liking couldn’t be proven. If he did something to Luo Yueguan and then just left, would that also be because he didn’t like her enough? As he turned his head to look at Luo Yueguan’s cheeks, the moonlight from outside fell into her eyes, revealing deep confusion and bewilderment.
“Have you kissed enough?” he asked.
An unbidden shyness and annoyance suddenly spread from Luo Yueguan’s chest to the top of her head. A wave of indescribable anger surged in her heart, as if Jiang Huai’s question had instantly turned her into a puppy begging pitifully. She, who had always played the role of the superior one.
But after the shyness and annoyance, there was only emptiness and helplessness.
“I’ve kissed enough,” her lips moved slightly. She no longer argued or resisted, just replied in such a small voice.
“Then go to sleep properly.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Why?”
“You’re mocking me.”
“Mocking?”
“I feel it… you’re mocking me… mocking me for being pathetic and ridiculous, mocking me for my shamelessness, mocking my unpredictable moods, saying I don’t act like an adult at all.”
“What if I said I’m not?” Jiang Huai asked softly.
“You are!”
“It’s not like that,” Jiang Huai looked earnestly into her eyes. “If I can’t even represent myself by saying I’m not, then who can? Because you always put yourself too low and think too badly of yourself, you feel like I’m mocking you… but I’m not.”
“I asked if you’ve kissed enough, and I just wanted to know if you’ve kissed enough. If you haven’t kissed enough, then kiss a little longer. If you’ve kissed enough, then obediently go to sleep. Where in that sentence did you read any hint of mockery?”
“I heard… you don’t like me… you don’t love me…”
“If you loved yourself enough, why would you be fixated on whether I like you or love you?”
“This is mocking me… mocking me for not loving myself, mocking me…”
Jiang Huai sighed softly. He still gazed earnestly into Luo Yueguan’s eyes, waiting for her to finish her sentence. But Luo Yueguan was speechless, just looking at him, her eyes becoming teary.
For a long, long time, Luo Yueguan didn’t speak. She tried hard to think, to seriously think, but she seemed to have fallen into a vicious cycle, unable to find an answer for herself no matter what.
“What is it you truly want? Is it kisses, hugs, the satisfaction of bodily desires through intense carnal acts that make one forget everything, or is it security? Peace? Satisfaction? Dependence? If you haven’t even figured out what you want, and you demand it from me… what should I give you?”
“I want everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything, everything!”
“Is it useful?” Jiang Huai suddenly reached out and gently stroked her cheek. “Even if I set everything aside and gave you everything I could, what would happen? Even if I practiced Dual Cultivation with you just now, what would happen? Even if I said I loved you, what would happen? You might be happy for a short while? And then you’ll continue to be unhappy. Do you truly believe you can rely on me forever? With your proud personality… would you accept yourself becoming a woman who depends on others for survival?”
“It’s all lies, all excuses. You’re just afraid that after we do something, your Master will fly into a rage, and you’ll have no chance with Chu Xianning from now on!”
“Then let’s practice Dual Cultivation? What position do you like?” Jiang Huai’s fingertip gently pinched her earlobe.
Luo Yueguan stared blankly into his eyes.
“I’m giving you the right to choose, and telling you the consequences of your choice. Perhaps we could live like this for a long time. Would that make you happy? Letting a man you’ve never truly loved from the bottom of your heart play with your body, and then constantly worrying if he’ll get tired of you one day, leading you to be filled with anxiety? Or perhaps you’ll feel empty and bored within this process, and regret will fill your heart.”
“Qingyu’s many ideas seem to be learned from you. That time in the bathhouse when I argued with her was the same. She felt that if I was willing to take her body, it would prove I loved her. But I always felt that if love requires one person to prove it to another, it’s truly tragic.”
“Why aren’t you speaking?” Jiang Huai’s fingertip gently stroked her smooth earlobe. “Just now you said I refused you because I didn’t like you enough. Now I agree, does that mean I like you enough?”
“You’re just betting that I’ll refuse after you say all this. What if I insist?”
“So, what position do you like?” Jiang Huai blinked innocently at her.
Luo Yueguan stared at him for a long time, then suddenly let out a cold laugh.
“You’re cleaning yourself up again, you despicable fellow. I won’t practice Dual Cultivation with you. What do you take me for? You think I’m begging you. One day, you’ll be begging me to practice Dual Cultivation with you… Jiang Huai!”
“Alright, alright, I’m also looking forward to that day,” Jiang Huai replied innocently. Luo Yueguan’s body leaned closer to him. Jiang Huai quickly understood her meaning, gently hugged her slender waist, and lowered his head. “Can you sleep now?”
Luo Yueguan closed her eyes, but her forehead leaned slightly towards him.
Jiang Huai gently kissed her forehead. Luo Yueguan’s eyelashes trembled. She finally stopped speaking, but instead, lifted her leg and wrapped it around Jiang Huai’s waist, holding him tightly.
The summer night air was somewhat thick and humid, but Luo Yueguan’s body was slightly cold, as if Jiang Huai was holding a cool piece of jade that also gave off a pleasant scent.
Jiang Huai soon fell asleep, even earlier than Luo Yueguan in his arms.
…
When Luo Yueguan woke up, Jiang Huai was not by her side.
She immediately sat up in bed. Without even bothering to adjust her slipping clothes, she got out of bed and loudly called Jiang Huai’s name in the courtyard. After calling out several times, Jiang Huai peeked his head out from the kitchen.
Luo Yueguan’s anxious heart settled heavily. She suddenly smiled, looking at Jiang Huai. “I thought you left by yourself.”
“Deserting the battle is the act of a coward. I won’t run. I want to win back.”
“Didn’t you say no betting to win?” Luo Yueguan walked to the stone table in the courtyard and sat down.
Jiang Huai didn’t answer her immediately. Instead, he returned to the kitchen. After a while, he came out with two bowls of fresh shrimp and fish congee and placed them gently on the table. He sat opposite Luo Yueguan, picked up a soup spoon, scooped up a small mouthful, blew on it to cool it, thought for a moment, and then brought it to Luo Yueguan’s mouth. Luo Yueguan leaned forward and took a bite from his spoon, like a little kitten being fed.
Jiang Huai pulled out the spoon and said, “You know, in the past, I always felt that people could only rely on themselves in the end. Everyone is ultimately selfish and indifferent. No matter how loudly you cry for help to anyone, no one can save you. Perhaps someone will want to extend a hand to pull you up, but that’s just because they want to find some self-satisfaction and smug joy from this so-called act of salvation.”
“And now?”
“I still think so now,” Jiang Huai shrugged, watching Luo Yueguan pick up a soup spoon and bring the cooled congee to his mouth. He hesitated for a moment before eating it in one bite and replied indistinctly, “The ‘me’ of now is the latter part of what I just said. By being by your side and seeing that you seem to have made some positive changes because I intervened in your life, I find a trace of smug joy. That person is me.”
“You truly are that kind of despicable fellow,” Luo Yueguan nodded in agreement, then took another mouthful of the congee Jiang Huai fed her.
“I’ve never said I was a righteous and honorable person, never,” Jiang Huai looked at the congee Luo Yueguan fed him with a disgusted expression. “I blew on it for you, but you didn’t even blow on it. I won’t drink it.”
“Your skin is so thick, it won’t scald you to death,” Luo Yueguan rolled her eyes at him, but still leaned in to blow on the congee to cool it, and then fed it to him again.
So Jiang Huai fed her another spoonful.
She fed Jiang Huai another spoonful.
They ate breakfast for a very, very long time. After putting down their bowls and chopsticks, Jiang Huai looked into Luo Yueguan’s eyes. “Alright, it’s time to go, right?”
“Oh,” Luo Yueguan nodded.
“Go change your clothes,” Jiang Huai pointed to her slipping clothes. She had been in such a disheveled state all along. A large expanse of soft flesh on her chest was exposed. Luo Yueguan stood up and walked back into the room.
However, when she walked out of the room again, Jiang Huai looked at her new dress and was slightly stunned. Then, an uncontrollable smile appeared at the corner of his eye.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Nothing, you look quite good in this outfit.”
“Qingyu looked good in it, so I bought one in a different style.” Luo Yueguan lifted the hem of her dress slightly and twirled.
The smile at the corner of Jiang Huai’s eyes never faded. This was probably a small joy that only he could feel. Because Luo Yueguan’s black and white long dress at this moment was in the style of a maid dress from his memory. The hem was very long, reaching all the way to her ankles, and Jiang Huai also saw her ankles wrapped in delicate white silk, her white and tender little feet stepping into black high heels.
If he remembered correctly, the dress came with thin white lace gloves. At this moment, Luo Yueguan was carefully putting them on. Jiang Huai laughed so hard he couldn’t straighten his waist. Luo Yueguan became increasingly surprised. “What exactly are you laughing at?”
“Nothing, it’s just… this dress is very cute.” Jiang Huai tried his best to suppress his smile, looking at the white lace decoration on her chest. Luo Yueguan pouted slightly. She lowered her head. The hem of the dress was clearly very long, and her chest was covered tightly. It was clearly a very proper dress. What was he laughing at?
“Did Qingyu do bad things with you wearing this outfit?”
“No, no, it’s fine. Let’s go,” Jiang Huai stood up and went to her side.
