The supervisor told me that the first thing I needed to do was not to contact Minami and Katsu, but to head to the party room to discuss whether or not to contact them.
When I entered the unlocked room with a click, it was quieter than I expected, making me wonder if no one was there.
“? The door was unlocked…”
I tilted my head in doubt at the atmosphere, and was about to go in and mention that the door wasn’t locked, but I couldn’t finish my sentence.
“What is this all of a sudden?! Hey!”
“Senpai!! I’ve been waiting for you!! I’ve been waiting for you with the impatience of a thousand autumns!!”
“Give it a rest! Don’t hug me, it’s too hot! What’s with this atmosphere!?”
“I don’t know!! Kitamiya-chan has been silently fiddling with her phone since she got to this room. When I try to talk to her, she just replies with a deep, menacing voice, ‘What?’ All I could do was make coffee, help with some research, and then go out and buy some food because I thought eating something might cheer her up!!”
“No, you’ve done quite a bit. You.”
Perhaps Kitamiya didn’t intend to be displeased. As Kaido clung to her waist, I glanced at Kitamiya, who was sitting on the sofa in the living room, and she regretted her outburst upon seeing Kaido’s reaction. In Kitamiya’s case, she was simply worried about Amelia and her response was perfunctory. It wasn’t an adult’s response, so much as it wasn’t a responsible working adult’s response.
“I’m sorry. I was a little irritated.”
“No, it’s fine. I understand your concern for Amelia-chan too.”
Although her gaze was downcast, Kitamiya lowered her head and apologized to Kaido. Kaido, perhaps sensing her feelings, accepted her apology, waving his hands left and right in front of his face. For now, though not entirely back to normal, the atmosphere in the room had improved, so it was time to get to the main topic. The three of us sat at the work desk, and I relayed what the supervisor had told me, and Amelia’s whereabouts to the two of them.
“…Amī.”
“Honestly, that’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”
Their faces turned pale at the content, which was far from good news.
“If we leave it be, it’s definitely not going to end well.”
Unable to offer any half-hearted comfort, I honestly spoke of the future developments, and Kitamiya suddenly stood up.
“!? We have to hurry and save her!”
“Calm down. It’s true that we need to hurry, but going without any preparation is not an option for you alone. You could end up losing Amelia’s life too.”
“!”
The current situation is undeniably bad. I understood her urgent desire to act, but precisely because of that, thorough preparation was necessary, and I stopped Kitamiya with a stern gaze. We had the option of remaining spectators. However, looking at Kitamiya now, it was obvious that we would not choose that path. Therefore, if we were to act, we must not neglect to eliminate any factors that could cause anxiety. When faced with a major event, prudence comes first.
“I told you before to think carefully before choosing. I have no intention of retracting those words. However, although you are agitated by momentary emotions, I believe I understand your desire to save Amelia.”
Intervening in this war is crossing a line that will fundamentally change one’s values in life. This is not a game, not training, but a genuine battle to the death. It was precisely because I was worried whether I should let them plunge into such a situation that I presented Kitamiya and the others with a choice.
“I’m not saying don’t come, but I have no intention of taking you if you’re not fully prepared.”
I don’t intend to ask them to help me just because the situation has changed. If I did, I would be taking away their choices.
“I’ll have Suella help with the preparations for going there. As for who is confirmed to go, it’s currently just me, and probably Himik. I’m sorry, but as Kitamiya said, there’s no time. However, we can spare a little time. Minami and Katsu, please contact them and decide quickly whether or not you will accompany me.”
In order to give them even a little time to think, Suella, Memoria, and Himik will help with the preparations. On-site, Himik will be the main force. Suella is pregnant, and Memoria needs to support her, so she can’t come. I have received permission from the supervisor to arrange equipment if we are to go into battle. The situation is changing by the minute, and time is passing. We must act before something happens. We must finish what we can quickly and prepare.
“I will!”
However, there are things that must be asked.
“Kitamiya, don’t be swayed by your emotions. The situation is more serious than you think.”
I stopped Kitamiya, who was about to stand up and immediately declare her participation. She was clearly not calm and was acting purely on emotion. There was no rational judgment involved.
“It’s wishful thinking to believe we can save Amelia and not hurt anyone else. The resolve I’ve been asking about is the resolve to kill. I’m asking if you have the resolve to survive, even if it means killing.”
There should be no doubt about her pure desire to save Amelia. While her emotions are running high, there is no room for doubt. However, I am concerned about whether Kitamiya and Kaido can remain sane if they act on those emotions and kill creatures that, while not human, have feelings and intelligence. Furthermore.
“I intend to stain these hands with blood. It’s ‘I’ who wants to save Amelia. I chose this myself.”
I am revealing the fact that from this point onwards, we may have to abandon goodwill, and the possibility of that is extremely high. I have actually cut people. At the time, I was too busy to feel anything, but afterward, it overwhelmed me. Even after it was over, the lingering sensation of having cut something remained, filling me with guilt and the question of why I had done it. It took some time to accept and internalize the fact that I had done it, but at that moment, I had undeniably crossed a line. I believe that Kitamiya and the others will face the future where they will experience that sensation. While I think it would be better if they didn’t have to experience it, I also feel that it might be necessary if they are to continue in this company. Therefore, I added that they should not be swayed by the fact that Amelia must be saved, and looked at Kitamiya, who showed hesitation while avoiding my gaze. Kaido naturally fell silent and watched the unfolding events. While ignoring him, I exchanged glances with Kitamiya. Her eyes were burning with emotion, but to me, they seemed unstable. Saving Amelia is not wrong, but I don’t want her to use it as an excuse. If she uses it as an excuse and goes to the battlefield, I’m sure only regret will remain. If she uses it as an excuse, even if Amelia is saved, there will be a sense of guilt between them.
“Acting for someone else is a good thing. But, conversely, the responsibility is heavier than usual. After all, with your actions, you have to bear not only your own responsibility but also the responsibility of others.”
If you choose for yourself, the responsibility falls on you. The sin of killing someone will fall on me, not Amelia. I chose my words carefully, hoping they would serve as material for their judgment.
“But you know, bearing the responsibility of others is not something to be taken lightly. For example, if I were to kill an enemy to save Amelia. If Amelia sees that and says, ‘I didn’t want to be saved at such a cost.’ Then my actions would be in vain.”
“In vain?”
“Yes, in vain.”
My actions themselves might be extreme, but in a battlefield, not under normal circumstances, the meaning of saving someone can be conveyed. Interrupting Kitamiya, who wanted to say that my explanation wasn’t futile, I continued, “What is sought and what I am trying to do do not necessarily align. That is human emotion. Can you accept Amelia’s feelings? Can you say, ‘I did this on my own, so Amelia, don’t worry about it,’ even if the result of your hard work and stained hands is denied?”
I can. No, I have to. When I said I would save her, it was because I was prepared for that. I understand the feeling of being angry at being helped and then denied. However, I don’t think it’s right to assume you can accept everything before you do it. Of course, I will do my best. I will try to kill as few enemies as possible. That is why we need to gather even a little bit of military strength.
“If you can’t do that, I advise you not to. Leave this to me this time.”
“What, you’re saying I’m not strong enough?”
“It’s my imposition. I’m weighing the regret of not going to save her against the regret of being denied after saving her. Which one is better, and which one will hurt you less?”
However, that military strength cannot just be gathered. I repeat, we are going to a battlefield. It is no exaggeration to say that it is the final destination of the extraordinary.
“…I understand. That I haven’t been able to choose. That I’m acting on impulse, and that’s not good?”
“Ah, but unfortunately, a moment’s hesitation can be fatal.”
In the space of a battlefield, what is fatal is stagnation. Even if Amelia denies it, or no matter what Amelia’s situation is, if you don’t have the resolve to put aside the act of swallowing it, even if you can’t fully accept it, and prioritize achieving the objective, I cannot take you. Crying, getting angry, feeling dejected. This is because you are alive. If, for some reason, your thoughts stop and you become unable to move, it is like offering your head to the scythe of death on the battlefield. That must absolutely be avoided. Sternly pushing away Kitamiya, whose emotions were swaying indecisively, I slowly stood up.
“I’m sorry that I can only give you a little time.”
“…Okay. We’re not leaving today, are we?”
“Ah, at least not today, it should be alright.”
“Then I’ll go home today. Definitely contact me when you’re leaving, and let me at least see you off, even if I can’t go.”
“Alright. Think about it carefully. Also, Kaido, I’m sorry to bother you, but please contact them. If possible, I’d like you to come.”
“Us…”
“Huh?”
“It’s better not to push yourself, senpai.”
“Idiot, you don’t have to worry because you have someone to talk to about your weaknesses. You think about it too.”
“Us.”
What I need now is not strength, but inner strength. I don’t know if she’ll be able to sort out her thoughts in this short time, but after lightly greeting Kitamiya, who was getting ready to leave, I quietly left the party room and headed to Suella’s place.
Today’s word: Sometimes it’s necessary to say “don’t,” but it’s quite difficult to utter those words.
This is all for today. If you found it interesting, please leave comments, ratings, bookmarks, etc.
*The first volume of this novel has been decided to be published by Hayakawa Bunko JA.
It was released on October 18, 2018.
An e-book version was also released on October 31 of the same year.
The content has been revised and supplemented from the content posted on “Shosetsuka ni Naro” and includes an additional unreleased interlude chapter.
