I apologize for my late update.
I caught a slight cold as the weather got colder.
Here is the delayed post.
Organizations can be cumbersome and troublesome due to their inherent constraints, but their power is immense.
What would take an individual a great deal of time to prepare can be shortened to a fraction of the time.
The supervisor has been sending me reports detailing Amelia’s movements one after another. This morning, the supervisor told me that it is almost time to make a move.
If that’s the case, I’ll have no choice but to make a decision.
“So? Have you decided on your answer?”
I reassembled the party members, excluding Amelia.
Tension was visible on the faces of those gathered.
It couldn’t be helped.
A short period, barely two days, had passed since Amelia went to the other world.
I thought it was unreasonable to expect young people living in peaceful Japan to quickly decide whether they could go to a battlefield where their lives were at stake.
“I will participate, Gozaru?”
“You… well, that’s fine.”
“Leader, have you been treating me roughly lately, Gozaru?”
“You seem to think little of yourself, but in reality, you think things through carefully. I trust your ability to organize your thoughts and make judgments.”
“…Why is that? When I’m praised so honestly, I feel strangely embarrassed, and I find myself unable to look at you directly, Gozaru.”
It seems exceptions surprisingly exist.
First, Nan, the foremost of those exceptions, answered casually and without hesitation, as if to say, “What’s new?” unaffected by the tense atmosphere in the party room.
Although I had somehow predicted this answer, I responded normally. However, my reaction seemed to be unexpected for Nan, who responded with a playful retort, her cheeks slightly flushed as she tried to be lighthearted, but her movements lacked sharpness.
However, in a way, Nan’s actions helped to set the mood.
It’s always nerve-wracking for anyone to be the first to speak. While it might not be an issue for those accustomed to it, it’s a fact that it becomes easier to talk if someone initiates the conversation.
Feeling grateful to Nan in my heart for creating such an atmosphere, I tightened the corners of my mouth that had begun to loosen.
Then, I looked at the faces of the remaining members.
With this, the Amelia rescue team consisted of myself, Himik, and Nan.
Honestly, I felt like the minimum necessary members were assembled.
However, considering the possibility of unforeseen circumstances, there was still a sense of unease.
Careful not to show my anxiety, I quietly observed the others. Kaido gave a wry smile at Nan’s behavior, Kitamiya maintained a serious expression, and Katsu still seemed to be hesitating.
“…”
At this point, I did not ask what they would do.
Such questions can be surprisingly coercive. People tend to follow suit with the initial response.
This time, I wanted them to consider it thoroughly, make their own decisions, and bear the responsibility.
Therefore, I remained silent and waited for the others to respond.
“I’ll go too.”
“…”
Kitamiya spoke up next.
She must have struggled, asking herself numerous questions before reaching her decision.
However, her efforts had paid off.
Nodding, I acknowledged her word.
After saying she would go, her expression held a firm resolve and determination.
This was not the Kitamiya who had acted impulsively based on her emotions the first day she heard about Amelia; this was Kitamiya making a decision and taking a step forward with her own will.
“Understood. I’ll be counting on your strength.”
“Yes. Please do. I’ll do what I can.”
Nodding with satisfaction after reaching her decision, Kitamiya…
“For some reason, unlike me, you’re so serious, which is annoying, Gozaru.”
“Don’t be so loud. Unlike you, I’m serious. Don’t compare me to a joke like you.”
“You said it, Gozaru!! You said something true but shouldn’t have been said!?”
“So you were aware of that.”
Nan and Kitamiya had started bickering.
Watching them, I wondered why our party couldn’t maintain a serious atmosphere. Meanwhile, I wondered what the remaining two would do.
“Wow, our women are strong, aren’t they? Honestly, as an older man, I feel out of place.”
“It feels like that’s always been the case for me, but…”
Kaido scratched the back of his head with his right hand and spoke. Looking at his face, I saw a wry smile.
Normally, Kaido is like a reliable but not entirely dependable older brother.
He can do things if pushed, but he’s in a rather unremarkable position where he needs to be spurred on.
Kaido lamented being late after Nan and Kitamiya had spoken, but when I asked if he was concerned about that now, he just smiled wryly, saying his ears were hurting.
“Well, despite all that, I’m going to help Amelia-chan.”
“I see. Good luck.”
“Senpai!! Isn’t the way you’re treating me inconsistent, sometimes polite and sometimes rough?! I thought hard about this! Isn’t there anything more? Like, ‘Is this okay?’ or ‘Show me your resolve’?”
“No.”
It’s not like Kaido wouldn’t agonize over this, nor is he too young or lacking in life experience to not consider the pros and cons.
Except for me, he understands the risks this situation could pose to his own life better than anyone else in this party.
He’s probably also considering the impact this incident will have on him.
Our relationship isn’t so short that I wouldn’t know that.
So, I’ll say it bluntly, but Kaido grumbled in dissatisfaction.
“Welcome, Kaido-senpai, to the world of gag characters.”
“NO!? I wasn’t supposed to be a resident of that side!”
“Kukuku, it’s useless to say anything. The conversation you just had with the leader is irrefutable evidence. And more importantly…”
“More importantly? What is it?”
“There’s no man who looks less serious than you, Gozaru!!”
“W-what did you say!?”
“You two, be a little quieter.”
Nan was teasing him.
Looking at the two of them, Kitamiya admonished them with an exasperated air, saying they were both alike.
And finally, Katsu, who was next.
“Are you still undecided?”
“Yes.”
“…I want to help, but do I want to help enough to kill someone?”
“…Yes.”
He is unable to make a decision.
Ideally, I believe it would be better not to bring him if he hasn’t made up his mind by this point.
However, it’s easy to tell him not to come without doing anything, but I can see that it would cause Katsu, who is at a sensitive age, intense feelings of exclusion.
Therefore…
“Why can you all decide so easily?”
“It’s not easy, you know.”
I had a feeling this question would arise.
Like me, Nan, Kitamiya, and Kaido all have their own criteria for judgment built up from their life experiences, albeit to varying degrees.
The extent to which these criteria were established made the difference in their decisions this time.
From Katsu’s perspective, it might seem like we decided quickly and easily, but I corrected him, saying it wasn’t so.
“I did have my own worries, but there are responsibilities involved in this matter, and there are things about it that I don’t find acceptable. Taking all that into account, I decided and resolved to go and help Amelia. I judged whether I could understand what might happen in the process and bear that risk.”
“Do you understand?” I asked. Katsu hesitated slightly, then replied,
“No, I don’t.”
I gave a wry smile.
“That’s fine.”
I affirmed his answer.
Katsu looked at me with a questioning look, and I smiled.
“Ultimately, this is a choice based on my values. From a common-sense perspective, there will be people who say my actions are wrong.”
“What are you trying to say?” I asked Katsu.
“That’s why humans agonize. Is this action truly right? Is this action not wrong? And that struggle is what creates your own criteria for judgment. Failure and success are what nurture a person.”
Katsu simply didn’t yet have the judgment criteria to make a decision about this matter.
No, in reality, I shouldn’t be making a high school student decide whether or not to go to a battlefield.
“The standards I’ve built throughout my life have supported my resolve. That’s why I was able to make a decision.”
“Don’t I have that?”
“Ah, the fact that you’re hesitating suggests you don’t. But Katsu, it’s not shameful to be undecided right now. This is a decision you don’t need to make if you intend to live a normal life in Japan. There will be many times in society when you can’t refuse something even if you think you shouldn’t, but sometimes you have to refuse. What and how you decide is what constitutes an individual’s values, and how you reconcile with others when those values conflict with the situation is a necessary adaptive instinct for living. In other words, it’s a lifelong difficult problem of how to live. Even I repeat the cycle of worrying, stopping, moving forward, and worrying again. This event might be a turning point in such a difficult problem. It’s not something that can be decided easily.”
The circumstances were unfavorable this time.
There was nothing wrong with Katsu’s hesitation.
It was still too early to tip the scales of his life’s values.
“So, you’re not wrong for not being able to reach a decision about this matter.”
Saying this, Katsu, who still didn’t seem convinced, looked at me as if imagining what I would say next and asking if I was going to leave him behind.
“Katsu, I’m sorry, but I’m leaving you behind this time. Even if you said you wanted to go now, I wouldn’t take you.”
“…”
I stated this clearly in response to his implicit question.
Katsu didn’t ask why.
Katsu is intelligent.
He understood that his hesitation would make him a burden.
However, he couldn’t suppress the emotion of not being able to go to help his friends, to help Amelia.
Katsu desperately tried to swallow back the nascent feelings of shame, regret, or dissatisfaction.
“Don’t make that face.”
“Ow!”
I lightly flicked Katsu’s forehead.
“I told you, you’re not wrong. No one will say you’re not a comrade just because you didn’t go to help Amelia this time. Besides, you have an important role to play.”
“A role?”
“Yeah, you have the important role of being the reliable caretaker waiting for our return. Don’t look dissatisfied. The role of a caretaker shouldn’t be underestimated.”
Katsu must have heard my words as mere words of consolation, his brow furrowing more than usual. I explained with a wry smile.
“Knowing that someone is waiting for you gives us emotional support. In my case, it’s Suella and Memoria. But you can also fill that role. And if Kaido and the others know that you are waiting, it will be a source of support that dispels their desperate thoughts of giving up at the last moment.”
The phrase “mental comfort” is surprisingly not to be underestimated.
A small margin of mental leeway can create a narrow advantage.
Through battles, I’ve come to understand that that narrow advantage can be a lifeline.
Hearing my words, Kaido, Nan, and Kitamiya all agreed and nodded.
“I’ll await your good news, Gozaru.”
“I’ll show you what a senpai is made of!”
“Yes, as Jiro-san said, it will be reassuring to have Katsu-kun waiting for us.”
There was no lie in their words.
Acting alone is easy, but knowing someone is waiting behind you adds weight to your actions and encourages carefulness.
Understanding this, Katsu closed his eyes once, took a deep breath, and then said,
“Understood. I’ll be waiting.”
He said this as if to blow away his worries, his eyes now open.
“Yeah, leave it to us. When we bring Amelia back, we’ll all have a party.”
I smiled, telling him to look forward to it, so as not to betray his decision.
Today’s Word:
There are times when one must judge and decide within a limited timeframe, but I never thought such a decision would come.
That’s all for this installment.
If you enjoyed it, please leave a review, star rating, or bookmark.
*The first volume has been decided to be published by Hayakawa Bunko JA.
It was released on October 18, 2018.
An e-book version was also released on October 31 of the same year.
The second volume will be released on December 19.
The content has been revised and expanded from the version posted on Shosetsuka ni Narou, with the addition of previously unpublished interlude chapters.
Please check out the new release!*
*A comic adaptation has also been decided for Kodansha’s “Young Magazine The Third.”*
