I’ve had my feelings asked about a few times in the past.
It happened during casual conversations with friends in school, or at drinking parties after I started working as an adult.
However, all of those were indirect inquiries, heard through other people.
Phrases like “So-and-so seems to like you,” or “What do you think of that girl?” were common.
So, if we’re talking about direct inquiries about my affection, I can confidently say there haven’t been any.
“…I like you.”
To be asked about mere liking or disliking, and to not understand the implications given the atmosphere of the moment would be foolish.
Yet, I deliberately avoid that aspect and answer that I like her as a person. It’s a way to postpone the problem; I can’t read the intention behind this question.
However, I thought it would sound better to answer honestly than to return a question asking what she meant or to dwell on the definitive meaning.
“What do you mean by that? As a colleague? As a friend? Or…?”
Leaning against the counter, Keiri-san threw the question at me in a posture that looked like she was about to collapse, with only her face turned towards me.
Her short hair fell to her left cheek, following gravity, and because it was just at the line that barely hid her eyes, I had to judge her emotions with only one eye.
“Until just now, it was as a colleague or a friend.”
However, to her, whom I’ve trusted and worked hard with, denying it now would be the same as saying I don’t trust her.
Therefore, I decided it would be better to throw away my shyness, not fear a change in our relationship, and respond honestly to her feelings.
“Then, what about now?”
I don’t know what kind of emotional change happened at the marriage hunting party.
Something might have happened while I wasn’t looking.
Thinking that, there was something that made me feel I needed to approach her sincerely.
“With that one sentence, I’m currently thinking it over.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“From my perspective, Keiri-san, your question is what’s supposed to mean.”
This was a weighty question from a woman I thought of as my superior and subordinate, a friend, or even Suella’s best friend.
If I considered it purely with some misunderstanding, it could be a veiled confession.
If I went with a safe assumption, it was a confirmation of whether I found her attractive as a woman.
If I thought negatively, she was just teasing me in her drunken state.
Any of these seemed plausible, but if I wanted to avoid hurting her feelings, a safe answer would be best.
However, there is one thing I can say.
“The meaning of my question? Hmm, I wonder. Everything that’s happened up until today has come at me all at once, and I can’t sort it out. So I thought it might be a trigger for me to organize my thoughts.”
“Organize?”
This exchange of questions, for better or worse, would change the relationship between Keiri-san and me. Keiri-san, who had spoken of organizing her thoughts, sat up from the counter where she had been sprawling. Then, she took a drink of the alcohol she had ordered from the Master.
With the magic crests that enhance us and our high-level stats, our tolerance to alcohol also increases.
We wouldn’t get drunk from an ordinary amount, nor get hangovers.
However, Keiri-san’s alcohol intake seemed to be considerable while I was making her wait, as she was visibly drunk. The Master even looked at me, asking if she was alright.
I was worried if she could really organize her thoughts while drunk, but conversely, it meant that she needed the help of alcohol because her organizing wasn’t keeping up.
“Yes, organizing what I’m thinking in my heart.”
The heart is a crucial domain, serving as the pillar of human behavior.
If I say something flippant here, I’ll end up with half-hearted feelings. That will eventually lead to regret within myself and a distortion in my heart.
I don’t know if she wants me to remove that or guide her.
But I do know she’s asking for help.
She gulped down her drink in one go.
“Master, another one, please.”
“Certainly.”
By ordering another drink, I showed my willingness to stay and listen to her story. As the new drink was brought, I sent a glance to the Master, asking him to give us some space. He nodded and began polishing glasses at the end of the counter.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Keiri-san smiled happily at my response and thanked me.
“Speaking of which, this is the first time I’ve had a drink alone with you, Keiri-san.”
“Yes, even I would feel awkward drinking with a man who has a fiancée, so I’ve avoided it.”
Should I say it’s a sense of distance? In this situation where the conversational distance with her is becoming ambiguous, I feel sad about my limited vocabulary, which can only produce mundane remarks.
However, Keiri-san seemed to find the topic just right and joined in, her finger gently tracing the rim of her glass as she spoke at a slow pace.
“…You’re not asking what happened, are you?”
“There are things people want to be asked and things they don’t. Things they want to say and things they don’t. It varies from person to person. You’re in the process of organizing what you want to say right now, aren’t you? In that case, I’ll just wait patiently.”
“Really, you…”
Prompting someone to hurry can improve the flow of conversation.
However, sometimes it’s necessary to just wait patiently for someone to finish their story.
Some people might feel like I’m just brushing them off, but in Keiri-san’s case, I felt she was seeking my passive stance.
And it seemed to be the right approach; she wasn’t looking for my agreement or my opinion.
She simply began to speak, as if she just wanted me to listen to her feelings.
“You know, I’ve always tried to be quite honest with my feelings. I’ve said what I wanted to say, and I’ve acted to do what I wanted to do.”
She shifted her gaze to her glass, as if speaking to the ice floating in the liquor.
“So, when it comes to romance, I’ve worked hard to pursue my ideals. I was determined to find a good man, leave the army, and build a happy family someday.”
Her family environment was far from ordinary.
She held a certain status in the village.
Her family environment was a mixture of things that could be called happy and things that couldn’t.
With such a background, she had her own outlook on life and her own ideals.
“I had such ideals. And someone fulfilled them. That person was my best friend.”
What did she want to say? What did she want to talk about? What did she want?
She was laying bare all the jumbled parts of herself, trying to sort them out on the shelves of her mind.
“The first thing I felt was happiness. My best friend, who had been unlucky in love, was smiling so happily. Just that made me feel good. But then, after a while, I became jealous of that best friend. I envied her happiness so much. I wanted to live a life like that too.”
These were feelings she couldn’t tell her best friend, and ideally, feelings she shouldn’t tell me, her best friend’s fiancé.
Yet, she wished for me to hear them, and I couldn’t dismiss her will in waiting for this moment.
I waited for her to continue, without touching the drink with its slowly melting ice, and maintained my silence.
“I don’t know when it started. I realized I felt that way before I knew it. It started with jealousy and envy, and from then on, I think I was constantly thinking about what I wanted to do, but you two were always my ideal. Working together, realizing I had a child, you risking your life to protect me, allowing me to return to a place where I truly felt I belonged, I really thought, is there anything else?”
By listening silently, Keiri-san seemed determined to pour out everything she could.
She continued to pour out her feelings, saying, “This is my true feeling, and nothing could be more so.”
“That’s probably why, without realizing it, I started comparing reality to you while looking at men.”
She had reached the core of her story.
From the way she framed her words and their nuances, I had somewhat understood that her feelings were leaning towards me.
However, her passion and resolve for this marriage hunting party had made me believe, right up until the very last moment, that such a thing wasn’t the case.
To me, who wished for her happiness, being suddenly presented with this arrow of affection left me feeling bewildered.
“What do you mean, I was being honest? I wasn’t honest at all. It wasn’t just during the event, but even after it, while I was drinking here and having a review meeting about the event by myself just a little while ago. Once I realized it, I was so mortified I clutched my head.”
She laughed self-deprecatingly, muttering, “How dense can I be?” and swallowed the slightly diluted alcohol.
“Honestly, I hate my own dishonesty. Even though Suella gave me permission to think seriously about it, I give such a twisted answer. And when you asked me during the event if there was anyone I liked, how much easier it would have been if I could have just said ‘you’.”
Even the words that were practically confessions, she continued to spill as if she were just organizing her thoughts.
While I was puzzling over how to react, she kept pouring out her feelings like a runaway train.
“I feel truly sorry for the people who came today. The more seriously I thought about it, the more I compared them to you. ‘I wish it were you here.’ ‘If it were you, you would have said this.’ ‘Would you have been happy if I had this kind of conversation?’ Why didn’t I realize how much I was thinking about you? I got too serious during the event, and afterward, I was so embarrassed.”
The original intention of her question was already clear, and it felt like I was being forced to consider her feelings.
“I thought up many excuses too. I wonder if you can fall in love with your best friend’s man, and I wonder how it would be to continue the superior-subordinate relationship that we have. I’m also worried if I can intrude on your relationship with Evia… Ah, enough! What is it?!”
Finally, unable to bear the shame of her own words, she burst out in a way that was completely out of place for the quiet bar atmosphere, seeking my agreement in her desperation.
Keiri-san wasn’t being calm.
Seeing her like this was a novel experience for me.
“Is a serious answer okay?”
“…Yes, that’s fine.”
In a rush, without any regard for the atmosphere or emotions, in such a flow, when asked if I saw her as a woman, I sorted out my thoughts and conveyed them to her.
“I thought about whether I could love Keiri-san or not, in my own way.”
“Y-you’re suddenly starting from there.”
If the question were whether I liked her or not, I would undoubtedly have positive feelings towards Keiri-san. When it comes to the romantic aspect, it’s whether I can love her or not, I believe.
So, I approached it not from a like-dislike perspective, but from the standard of whether I could love her or not.
“There’s no point in beating around the bush here. I judged that Keiri-san’s question wasn’t about liking or disliking, but about whether I could love her or not.”
If the other party is acting impulsively, I too will act impulsively. If I consider my obligation to Suella and the others, my reason will stop my instincts, and it’s clear that it won’t lead to a good outcome.
Therefore, I decided it would be better to clash with Keiri-san, who had revealed her true feelings, with my own true feelings, and excluded all unnecessary thoughts.
“Y-yes. That’s fine.”
Keiri-san also seemed convinced by my words and waited for my answer.
“I…”
The silence was so profound, it felt as if no sound existed except my voice. It felt so prolonged that I had the illusion that time had stopped, influenced by Valse-san.
“Keiri-san…”
I made her say this one sentence.
“No, I can love Keiri.”
Today’s Word
Misconceptions can be re-evaluated with a single word.
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