Chapter 66: Eating and Being Loved
It had grown darker, and the roof was gone, but the night sky was still engulfed by darkness. In the pitch-black visibility, I could only rely on the zombies’ inherent night vision to catch faint light.
It was the glint of a blade.
Xue Qing was fighting that monster, and I was, as always, completely unable to intervene. No, this time it was even worse, because Xue Qing was protecting me. At this moment, I was completely immobilized, a sitting duck. My body felt as if it had been hollowed out. There was something… I didn’t know if this was the price for having Xue Qing revive earlier. I suppose that’s fate. The power to change the world. It was indeed incredible, even bringing back the dead Xue Qing. But this meant I lost my mobility. And my SAN value was already very low. I was as weak as a newborn infant. Not to mention the alien god before me, even a small subordinate could kill me with one punch, someone who was already on the brink of death. Thinking of this, I couldn’t help but give a wry smile. Da Ji had constantly claimed he would save everyone, only to end up becoming a burden that needed saving. Truly, I was too pathetic.
A crescent moon appeared, approaching its target directly. A sharp, cold voice rang out as shadowy protrusions emerged from its body to block.
Another intense exchange of blows. Wuyuan’s body had no concept of defense; the moment it was severed and shattered, it instantly regenerated, endless and incessant. There was no winning against such a monster. Even if it seemed evenly matched now, Xue Qing and I could be…
Xue Qing was clearly not fighting to truly reclaim Xuan’er’s soul. Even though she was now ten times stronger than before, it was still too insignificant against a god. She was merely stalling for time. And the purpose of stalling was naturally for me. She was waiting for me. For me to deal with everything.
How could I collapse here now! My body, which had not been attacked by the monster, was already in a terrible state. My ribs were grinding together, crushing my sternum. My chest cavity was sunken. There wasn’t much blood left; it was almost drained dry! It seemed like the wounds that Xue Qing sustained were transferred to me, which was why she could revive, while I was on the verge of death. The death that had once been stopped was slowly starting to progress. Stopping death meant the host’s death signaled the virus’s end. I could feel the zombie virus spreading throughout my body. That was why I could stand up again.
“I’m really sorry, but as long as there’s no contagion, you guys aren’t…”
I’m so grateful. I used to hate the zombie virus so much. It’s truly a super kind virus.
Just as I stood up, my vision began to tilt. My entire body felt numb. suddenly, my head met something soft, and I was caught as I was about to fall.
“You’re being too reckless.”
“With this level of injury, you’ll really die if you move anymore.”
Suddenly, I felt warmth spread through my body. My shattered and displaced internal organs returned to their proper places, and my hazy consciousness cleared up considerably. Oh, my SAN value recovered a bit. At the same time, my five senses slowly returned. It was then that I noticed the battle on the other side had also stopped, or rather, Xue Qing had reached her limit. She hadn’t even used Oniification, yet she still wielded that unknown power. In the end, she was the one who ran out of energy. And that god hadn’t even truly attacked the entire time.
I wanted to go and pick up Xue Qing, but Miss Shirley stopped me. Then, a rift opened in the floor, and Xue Qing fell into it, appearing in Miss Shirley’s arms. She turned, facing us with a face without features, and spoke.
“I never expected to encounter another ‘Key to the Gate’ in this remote corner of the universe. Incredible. You and I are false existences.”
She was likely referring to Miss Shirley, right? Phil had mentioned before that she was hunting a paradox demon called Laplace’s Demon, which could know everything. And the “Key to the Gate” the Black Goat spoke of must be Yog-Sothoth, the “Opener of the Way.” Amazing. This was equivalent to being recognized by a god. Miss Shirley, however, showed no fear despite facing a god. She simply asked, “Why have you descended here?”
“Because a child summoned me.”
“This is fate. With your abilities, you should have foreseen it.”
The Black Goat did not answer, but she must have seen the ending. Miss Shirley continued, her voice calm. “Let’s see if it plays out that way.” But was that the ending I desired?
“Miss Shirley, please take Xue Qing and leave. I beg you.”
“Juncheng, your abilities… Since that’s the case, Miss Shirley, you must have guessed what I’m going to do.”
“…I don’t want that either.”
“You won’t stop me, will you?” The power to not change fate… but if…
“I cannot interfere with anything that has already happened. I merely observe.”
“At the cost of my own destruction…”
“I would never agree to that.” I patted my cheeks, gathered my courage, and walked towards the alien god before me. “Can’t you use a gentler method?”
“This is not destruction, but the rebirth of all things.”
You don’t understand? That’s true. Not only are our forms different, but even our ways of thinking and mental structures are vastly different. Forget it, I never intended to persuade you…
“Then there’s no other way… Shoggoth, let’s make a deal!”
This is a rule applicable to the entire world.
“…Gods do not make deals with the dead.”
“I’m not dead yet? Although I’m infinitely close to death, I’m not dead yet.”
“…Then I’ll give you one chance. What do you want to trade for?”
“I’ll let you eat me, but I have a condition.”
“What condition?”
“I want to see Xuan’er with my own eyes. Rather than being eaten by you, Auntie, I’d rather be eaten by your daughter. After all, your appearance is too heavy a taste for me, a human, to accept. Besides, I personally prefer lolis, hehehe.”
With a flippant tone, I uttered words filled with madness. The other party seemed unmoved, but their next words carried a hint of teasing.
“Then I have a condition too. If you can find her yourself, you can do whatever you want with her. You can take her away directly, and you won’t be eaten.”
Then, it tore open its chest cavity. With a sickening sound, a large opening appeared in the center of its alien body, stretching from its neck all the way down to the lowest point of its abdomen.
This is like being reborn as a human. “Those who enter this trap will never die and will forever suffer the torment of fear, torture, and death, losing everything in endless darkness.” I’ve been to hell once, it seems I’ve truly angered gods and men in this life. Taking a deep breath, I turned and smiled at Miss Shirley.
“Shirley… I’m going. Please tell Ai for me, ‘Sorry, I probably won’t be able to leave my corpse behind.'”
With that, I resolutely plunged into the abyss. All the sensations were stripped away. Immersed in such an abyss, I felt a strange sense of nostalgia. It was pitch black, my senses were dulled temporarily, allowing me to experience what it meant to be…
Yes, the first time I saw Xuan’er, she had… This is truly… harder than finding a needle in a haystack. The silent world enveloped me. A god, or perhaps more accurately, a being that didn’t care about itself, emerged. I didn’t know if I had truly taken a step. Even so, I stepped forward. Of course, I felt nothing, and… But I have to believe. Believe that I’m already on the path to finding Xuan’er. At least there’s still a slim hope.
Hope and despair, repeating over and over, that is hell. Although the greatest sorrow of human emotion is not the absence of hope, but the shattering of hope. But even if this is a mistake… I’ve decided to see it through to the end. Perhaps I’ll regret my current choice later. Or perhaps I’ll lose myself in the chaos before I even have a chance to regret it. However, I am also a mortal who makes mistakes. Right and wrong are merely my subjective feelings. Perhaps one day, everything will repeat itself. And what I’ve done is merely a “temporary expedient.” But at this moment—my desire to save Xuan’er is not false. Call it self-satisfaction, but for me, it’s already salvation.
I don’t know how long has passed in this space. Perhaps it was only a short while, or perhaps a long time has passed. My SAN value hasn’t hit zero yet? I’m still far from going insane.
Anxiety: 20%
Tension: 10%
Guilt: 10%
Responsibility: 20%
Fear: 20%
Regret: 20%
Controlling these complex emotions, I condensed them into one. Reason makes me cruel. I—believe—
After an unknown amount of time, I finally found her. Lying on the ground, a girl in a black dress. You really made me look…
“I finally found you.” Her existence represented immense light. In this darkness, “You’ve worked hard.” I knelt beside her and caressed her face, saying, “You must be on the verge of madness.” “You’ve endured hunger all this time… Living a normal life requires restraints.” For an anomaly to live among ordinary people requires more shackles. The shackles called ‘not eating.’ The shackles called ‘not loving.’ And now, I will break these shackles for you.
I took out the bottle of Yi Shui from my pocket. “This… isn’t for me to drink.” In dual-mode, I don’t have a nine-tailed fox or any other powerful existence living inside me. Merely regaining my memories won’t help my current situation.
“You said that as long as she eats me, Xuan’er will be purified of all impurities and become pure white.”
“Yes, after eating you, her soul will return to its nascent state.”
“What? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself to complete her?”
“…That’s exactly what I intend to do.”
I opened the cap and continued. We both took a sip of the Yi Shui, but didn’t swallow immediately, just letting it linger in our mouths. I kissed her lips, transferring the Yi Shui into her mouth. After feeding it to her mouth-to-mouth, I opened my hands and said, “However, I don’t think she needs your care anymore.”
“What did you give her?”
“A potion that will make her remember everything. What, Auntie, do you want a bottle too?”
“…You truly are a hopeless human.”
“I think so too… Hehehehe.” It seems my SAN value hit zero long ago. Even in this situation, I can’t manage to be completely serious. Basically, my lifestyle has been drifting along, never truly living earnestly. My irresponsibility has turned me into this carefree half-baked personality. I’ve always felt that getting involved with others is troublesome. It makes me worry about unnecessary things, or get entangled in various dangers. However, I don’t feel unhappy about these things now. This seems nice too, I’ve even had such thoughts. Unfortunately, it ends here. This last sliver of mental energy is enough to control a sleeping little girl. This is my final… command.
Life begins in darkness. I will speed up your death with my own death. Animals live to eat and be eaten. Humans live to love and be loved. And now I make a new choice for you. “Come, eat me, and then accept my love.” Slurp—
