Chapter 2.2 Lianbing and Love
The closer I get, the more I want to get closer.
How strange. I originally thought I wouldn’t be able to stand any of this and would just want to escape from him as soon as possible. But it’s surprisingly not bad, heh heh heh—
Perhaps even my reaction was within Shirley’s expectations, which is so unpleasant.
The hateful emotion still lingers in my heart. It’s like accumulated silt and grime that can’t be removed once it settles.
But even with such a hateful emotion, I can still feel happy when I’m by his side.
It feels so satisfying to curse at him, and so enjoyable to tease him. When I see his troubled expression, I feel genuinely comfortable from the bottom of my heart. That feeling welling up from within makes me want to clench my legs and rub.
Huh? Am I attracted to him?
Yes, that’s right. It’s been like this from the beginning. I was drawn to his special qualities.
…It’s starting to become… different.
This feeling, this strong desire to stay by his side, to embrace him, to accept everything about him, to comfort him—it’s become different from the beginning, hasn’t it?
No, even now, it’s still there. Every time night falls, a burning thought arises. This intense thought grows stronger each day, like a hand reaching out from the abyss, dragging me down, like a potent poison eroding the heart, gradually stealing my sanity.
It’s gotten so bad that I think about it even in my dreams.
I want to get…
I want, I want, I want to see his vacant, hollow eyes. I want to see his skin turn a sickly white. I want him to become a cold bolster pillow that belongs only to me forever.
I want to embrace his (not) corpse.
…Is that right…?
I can’t tell anymore… Actually, it doesn’t matter…
I must have fallen in love with him.
Whether it’s the comfortable feeling when I’m by his side, the sense of familiarity as if we’ve been together for a long time, or the desire to comfort his inner self with tolerance, these are all feelings of affection.
I’ve fallen in love with him. From the moment I was first attracted to him, every second spent with him has made me more captivated.
It’s… not like our meeting was anything special. The cliché of love developing over time?
It’s not like the feeling of being struck by lightning, my whole body numb, a sense of predestined fate.
Perhaps the longer we spend time together, the more I feel he is the most important person to me.
If this continues, I might become dependent on him. Just like a fish can’t survive without water, sooner or later…
I’ll be clinging to him, wanting to nuzzle, kiss, and hug him every day. I’ll become even more debased and shameless than an obsessive fan, and I won’t be able to leave him. I’ll be like a clingy person every day, doing things with my face, and feeling happy about my own actions because he’ll react in various ways to my behavior, drawing my gaze. Then I’ll be willing to do more for him, to show him more things, to let him deeply enter my body…
Love is so sweet it could melt my brain.
If reason is lost, then one is no longer human, just a beast.
Hahahaha. If I really fall into such an obsessive state, I won’t be fit to be the heir of the Ji family. But… maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.
At least, I’ll be happier than I’ve ever been.
Thinking this, I’m willing to be filled with love, I’m willing to stay by his side forever.
…There’s still one thing I don’t understand.
Why do I have feelings of dislike for him?
That emotion shouldn’t exist. I admit I like him.
I originally thought it was all due to the influence of the Destined Ability of the person Shirley mentioned. But that wasn’t the case. He told me that person’s ability only amplifies latent emotions within the heart. Meaning, I already had feelings of dislike for Juncheng An, and that emotion was simply magnified.
From the very beginning… Juncheng An?
How could that be possible?
I like him, I love him, so how could I possibly dislike him?
I feel like something is wrong, but the facts are right in front of me, and this feeling of dislike keeps getting amplified, even threatening to overshadow my other emotions.
I desperately try to suppress this emotion, attempting to push it down and change it, but it all fails.
I can only try to stay lucid, not to fall asleep, constantly debating in my mind, repeatedly proving to myself that I love Juncheng.
Then, I gradually fall, I sink.
Although I boasted, I can’t make this hateful feeling disappear. Even suppressing it is extremely difficult now.
I act as if nothing is wrong in front of him, maintaining a calm tone as much as possible, but inside, I want to turn and run away.
I don’t feel happy anymore.
I don’t—I don’t want to! I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to!
Why? Why does the amplified emotion have to be dislike? Is it because I love him too much? Because I love him too much?
But what’s wrong with love?
I’m just following my instinct. If love is wrong, then what is right?
…I wanted to kill him, didn’t I?
Ever since… when did we become… like this?
I love him… Huh?
What is all this? I don’t understand. My heart has become a tangled mess.
Emotions can’t be completely separated tobegin with; they get mixed together.
Together, I can no longer understand what kind of mood I’m in.
Which one is it? Can’t it be divided more clearly, not just black and white?
I regret my past wishes and am enraged at myself for being stuck in this quagmire, unable to move forward.
But in the end, I couldn’t separate the mixed emotions and could only descend into madness.
My sanity is almost completely overcome by these ambiguous feelings. I’m becoming someone else, and it’s reached a frightening level.
I don’t know what I might do.
I’ve lost myself.
Ji Lianbing is no longer the original Ji Lianbing.
Who am I? Nobody…
My soul has withered, devoid of any spark of life.
Death, perhaps, feels like this.
On a misty, rainy day, I walked into a street shrouded in thick fog.
“Young Miss, you’ll catch a cold.”
“…”
“Yes, I’m here.”
“I don’t want to kill him… I like seeing him, but I also hate him. I… I don’t understand what I should do anymore.”
I regretted speaking as soon as the words left my mouth, because saying them meant I was showing weakness.
*Slap*
The slap landed on my cheek. It didn’t hurt, but it was loud, the sound traveling directly from my eardrums to my brain.
“This is the first time I’ve ever seen such a weak and helpless Young Miss. You didn’t even show this expression at Madam’s funeral.”
Should I play along and say something like, ‘Even my mother never hit me’?
Hehehe… It did make me a lot more sober, though.
“Although you are truly rare and đáng yêu, making me want to hold you and comfort you, please don’t forget who you are.”
“I am Ji Lianbing.”
“Yes, you are Ji Lianbing.”
“Raised by the most perfect maid, I am the most perfect.”
“Yes, you are the most perfect, Young Miss.”
…Hehehe, we are a truly shameless pair of master and servant, praising ourselves here.
“But it’s the truth.”
To say that so naturally… Shirley, your face is much thicker than mine.
Thanks to Shirley’s slap, I found myself again, but the problem isn’t solved yet.
Shirley smiled happily and handed me a cup of black tea, saying.
“My dear Young Miss rarely asks me for advice. Shirley will naturally help you resolve your worries.”
“I tried to separate these emotions, but I failed. If there were only two, it would be manageable, dividing them directly. But now I can’t separate them anymore. I can still talk to you normally now, but in the next second, I might say something illogical. I’m on the verge of losing control.”
“Do you know why this is happening?”
“I don’t. I don’t understand why I dislike him. I can’t figure it out, and I don’t know where this emotion comes from.”
Precisely because its true nature is unknown and unrecognized, it cannot be separated, and thus, fear arises.
“I think, Young Miss, you don’t dislike Juncheng Young Master himself, you just dislike that he doesn’t belong only to you.”
…Huh?
No… dislike him personally?
“Then, after my jealousy was amplified by my Destined Ability, the hateful emotions swelled, making you unable to distinguish the root of your feelings.”
… *This is the origin of the light novel* …
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhhh hahahahaha….
Ah, so that’s how it is~
I’m such an idiot. It was something so simple, yet I never figured it out.
Shirley, a bystander, sees much more clearly than I do.
So that’s how it is~
Hahahaha~ I can’t contain my happiness.
Although their forms are different, their essence is the same. Liking, disliking, wanting to kill him, wanting to possess him—all of it!
It’s all love!
Ah, I’m so happy. I’m filled, completely filled… filled with love…
Love me, love me, love me, more, more, more…
I want more, more love, to love more, to love him to the bone.
“To become so happy just by discovering this? In just a few short days, you’ve completely fallen in love with Juncheng Young Master.”
“Yes, I love him. I don’t know if it’s influence from the previous world, or past life memories, or perhaps destiny—but it doesn’t matter anymore.”
Now that I know the origin of this hateful emotion, solving it is simple.
The result is that as a woman, I couldn’t avoid it; it’s a naturally occurring emotion—jealousy. Jealousy leads to aversion.
When I’m like this, my mood becomes extremely unpleasant.
Ah, yes. Now that I think about it, every time some inexplicable woman appears around Juncheng, I feel displeased.
First, there was that kid named Ji Zhibai. When he got close to Juncheng, I felt very… Yes, although he looks like that on the outside, I think she must be a woman.
Everything suddenly becomes clear.
Then, the thing I need to do doesn’t require deep thought, does it? It naturally comes to mind.
Hehehehe, I should have realized this long ago.
That’s right, then Juncheng will belong only to me.
It’s such a simple matter.
This… all for love, heh heh heh~
