Chapter 33 Juncheng and Victory
“Why are you crying? Men don’t cry so easily. Men bleed, not cry. Pull yourself together.
Her expression changed for the first time. Seeing me cry, she seemed a little flustered, unsure of what to do.
“Ah, I don’t know what’s wrong. I basically never cry.
It’s so strange, I actually cried.
It feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve cried.
My sore eyes were moistened by tears, which surprisingly felt quite comforting.
“I probably know you, but I forgot. I forgot before you took my memories.
Because I always have a sense of déjà vu and fondness, I believe this is not an illusion. I definitely know her.
“It’s normal not to remember. In the process of soul recovery and re-deployment, impurities are removed each time.
“Are memories the impurities of the soul?”
“That’s right, exactly.”
“You hesitated, which means you don’t think so.”
“It’s really foolish. Whether it’s an impurity or not, people naturally forget, don’t they? Just like you forgot me. Humans naturally forget. They forget easily, forget things that aren’t important, and even forget important things. Then they repeat this process endlessly, meaninglessly.”
“But I don’t think this process is meaningless. Because one day, we will recall it and, for what we experienced at that time, we will either regret it, be moved, or smile indifferently, and then say, ‘This is my life.’ I don’t think this is meaningless.”
“You’re always like this, emphasizing the process. But what if you can’t remember?”
“Then it doesn’t matter. At least I lived.”
Yes, at least I lived.
Did I live?
The girl closed her eyes and repeated it again.
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“I’m always like this,” the girl seemed to understand me well.
“You’re always like this.”
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“As if she knows everything about me.
Understands all of me.
“‘Seize the day,’ ‘live brilliantly,’ just empty platitudes.”
“I just don’t want to lie to myself.”
“Yes, you never lie, not to others, and not to yourself.
A life without pretense. I want to live authentically.
Even if I want to be lazy, I won’t make excuses. I simply want to be lazy, loyal to my desires and thoughts, without any excuses.
“But you’ve changed. You weren’t like this before.”
“People always change.”
“No, you haven’t changed at all. But this time, because of them, you’ve changed. Them?
I don’t know who she’s talking about. I have no memory.
But if there really were a group of people who changed me…
“Then they must be incredibly important to me.”
Hearing my words, the girl bit her lip tightly, looking very unwilling.
It was strange to see her so unwilling, because she had never lost before.
“I have never lost.”
“Oh, that’s amazing. This isn’t about just luck or skill anymore. It feels like you yourself are the goddess of victory.”
“But this time, before it even started, I’ve already lost.”
“What did you lose?”
“I lost you.”
I was speechless for a moment, not knowing what to say. I wanted to say, ‘It’s not like that,’ but I had no reason.
Without a reason, there’s no persuasion.
If she said she lost me, was I hers?
“I’ve been waiting, and waiting, like I was the Female Lead, waiting for your arrival.
“Deceiving myself, constantly comforting myself, telling myself ‘it’s okay’ in my heart.
“I couldn’t convey anything to you, just believing, foolishly.”
The girl opened her eyes, her eyes already wet, looking as if she was about to cry.
My heart suddenly ached, and I wanted to reach out and wipe away her tears.
But did I have the right?
“Did I not meet your expectations?”
“No, you did. You’ve always been working towards it. You’ve always wanted to come to my side, wanted to find me. You said you gave up, but the obsession was etched into your soul. The tears you just shed are the best proof. Even if you forgot everything, even who you are, you still shed tears because you found me. I want to wipe away your tears for you, but do I really have the right?”
We were thinking the same thing.
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“We were clearly attracted to each other, but couldn’t get closer due to the sense of distance.”
“You gave everything, gave up everything, and repeated Samsara. Perhaps the result doesn’t matter to you anymore, but you finally achieved what you promised me.”
I felt the grip on my hand tighten. She held on harder, not to overpower me, but simply because she couldn’t suppress her excited emotions.
“But I was changed, taken away, erased.”
“Miracles exist, but for me, it was just a nightmare.”
“I realized in extreme sadness that it wasn’t your fault; it was my ‘inaction’ that made me lose everything.”
“I’m not a foolish Female Lead who waits for happiness. Someone will snatch away the happiness that belongs to me. Inability to act is just an excuse I made for myself. I was too naive.”
“Looking at them, I should have understood that happiness is not something that is given; you have to fight for what you want.
“Whether you understand or not, I don’t want to continue like this anymore.”
“You’ve changed, so it’s my turn to change this time.”
The girl said so.
So, she didn’t need me to wipe her tears.
Because she wouldn’t cry, the girl had already made up her mind.
“Are you still going to hold on like this? We’re arm-wrestling, not shaking hands to exchange pleasantries.”
I said with a relieved smile.
“Yes, it’s arm-wrestling, which means there has to be a winner.”
“Then I’ll count to three, two, one, as the signal to start anew and determine the winner.”
“Wait a moment. Speaking of which, I’m always the one who makes the bet, but you’ve never said what you’ve bet.”
“You never asked either.”
Indeed, why didn’t I ask?
Was it because subconsciously I believed I couldn’t win?
Perhaps I was just so engrossed in the process of competing with her that the final prize didn’t matter.
“Then, can I ask now?”
“Even if you ask, I won’t be able to say much.”
“Because it’s unnecessary? It will definitely end with your victory anyway.”
“No, because I originally belong to you. Everything you lost to me also belongs to you, because all of me belongs to you.”
“That’s so sudden. Do you like me?”
Ah ha.
I’m so popular.
It’s an unexpected development. This ideal girl likes me. Isn’t this the best outcome?
“Yes, I like you, I love you, I want to be with you forever. But it’s more than that. Words can’t describe how much I longed for your arrival.”
A confession?
No, it’s not that simple. It’s not a confession of love, nor a vow of eternal commitment. It’s something more distant than that.
I smiled, suddenly feeling like I hadn’t lived in vain. Did I die just now?
This place shouldn’t be the afterlife. It’s strange.
I relaxed my body, and the strength in my hands also waned.
“I’m already satisfied. Seeing you is enough.”
“But I’m not satisfied yet. I haven’t met you in reality. I haven’t created any memories with you. I haven’t even been with you.”
Right.
She increased her strength, slowly pulling my hand to the other side.
Finally, her hand back touched the tabletop first.
She pulled my hand back, letting me win.
“You won. Everything you lost is returned to you.”
The girl returned everything I had lost to me. In my memory, there was also something else added: the original memories I had forgotten.
I remembered everything.
“And what you left for them, I will win back myself.”
The girl disappeared, leaving me alone.
“It’s been so long, and you’re still so unyielding.”
