Chapter 43.34: The Saint and the Fanatic
My throat was pierced by a blade, I can’t cry out… it’s blocked…
It’s not just that level of sensation.
If I had to say, it felt like my life was about to disconnect.
My vision narrowed as I looked down.
My body instinctively sank, and my consciousness drifted away…
I felt like I would disappear to an unknown place.
Ah, this is what it feels like to be dying…
Bishop, I am returning to our Lord, please accept me, accept your child…
“You were born into this world with God’s favor, Saint.”
But I never felt any different from anyone else, except that I could emit light, like a firefly, and that’s about it…
At the orphanage, I had no name, and no one found me strange. I worked and toiled with everyone else all day, and then I’d crawl into bed.
Alone in bed, I’d gather light in my palm.
And then inside the covers, the whole world would be illuminated.
Looking at such a light, I thought, I wish dawn would never come.
If that were the case, only I would be able to emit light in the world; a rather arrogant thought.
Not long after, I was taken away from the orphanage by the bishop who gave me the name ‘Saint.’
But other than the bishop, no one else called me by my name.
The priests around me called me “Your Grace,” knelt before me in reverence, and said I possessed amazing abilities, that I was chosen by God.
At first, I had no idea what they were talking about, nor did I understand why they did that. However, the nuns who took care of me patiently explained everything and then praised me, looking at me with adoration.
Ah, so my abilities were given to me by God. I couldn’t help but start to believe it too.
God must have given me these abilities to make the world a better place.
To make this world cleaner.
I saw the cardinals lead the nuns to the chapel, forcefully strip them of their clothes, and let out beastly roars.
“Dirty things must be cleaned, right?
Filthy.”
SF.
SF Light Novel
So, I emitted light.
“Look, everything can be purified!”
But this time, the nuns didn’t praise me; instead, they looked at me in terror.
I was bewildered, feeling like I had done something wrong, but I had only done as they taught: dirty things must be purified…
The bishop came before me and I couldn’t help but ask him.
“Did… I do something wrong?”
The bishop smiled and stroked my head, saying.
“…It’s not you who’s wrong, it’s this world itself that is filled with filth, and humanity itself is filled with…
…You are not to blame.”
That was the last time I saw the bishop.
After that, I was taken to a convent surrounded by flower fields, where I lived alone.
Only during meal times would a nun bring me food and clean clothes. The rest of the time, I was alone. There were many books about God, and I spent most of my time reading them.
I felt myself becoming more devout.
As time passed, I began to understand things I couldn’t comprehend when I was young.
Occasionally, priests would come and tell me where filth had appeared and that my power was needed to purify it.
The bishop had said I was not to blame.
I did nothing wrong; I was purifying the world’s filth for God.
I always believed that.
“Do you really think so?”
Until one day, someone asked me that.
The person who asked was someone who had appeared in the convent at some point.
I called her Shadow.
Because she was entirely black, like a shadow. Judging by her outline, she was a girl about my age.
She appeared suddenly. Before her arrival, I was completely alone in the convent.
She was pitch black all over, but otherwise, she was no different from an ordinary person. She could speak, see, be touched, and needed to eat.
So, after Little Shadow appeared, my life gained an additional chore: cleaning.
Strangely, I didn’t think she was filth.
Although she left traces everywhere, like a puppy that poops wherever it pleases, giving a dirty impression… it didn’t make me feel disgusted.
My light couldn’t remove her or the traces she left behind.
Shadow wasn’t always at the convent; in fact, she was mostly absent.
She would only occasionally stay at the convent for a few days like a traveler, telling me about the outside world.
That day, Little Shadow appeared in the garden outside the convent, and a butterfly landed on her palm.
Seeing her, I ran to her happily because the last time she visited was three months ago.
Little Shadow closed her hands, enclosing the butterfly, and asked me.
“Saint, to what extent can you act?”
…Huh? Act?
Little Shadow smiled. Although I couldn’t see her expression because she was entirely black, I felt she must be smiling.
“Yes, that is, to kill.”
“…Kill?”
“Humans can easily kill insects, like cockroaches, mosquitoes, and flies. So, there’s a saying that it’s easy to kill a fish, but harder to kill a frog after handling a fish, and even harder to kill a bird… Everyone has something they ‘cannot bring themselves to kill.'”
…
To kill?
“Among those, perhaps the hardest is ‘humans’.”
“Of course, murder is an unforgivable sin.”
“So, Saint, to what extent can you act?”
“Huh? Me?”
“Don’t the priests always give you tasks that involve killing?”
“That is to deliver judgment to sinners.”
“It’s just a change of words, but in reality, it’s murder, isn’t it? Or do you have no concept of it at all?”
Shadow’s words struck me like a warning bell, I who had never considered this question before.
From then on, I began to feel intense self-reproach.
Purifying… was actually killing.
No, that’s not murder. Those sinners deserved it…
But the essence of it was murder. SF Light Novel
Once I started to hate myself, I gave myself no chance for forgiveness.
It was as if I simply summed up all my sins.
I began to refuse the priests’ tasks. I no longer wanted to kill anyone under the guise of purification.
Every day, I locked myself in the confessional to repent.
But no one understood me.
I was so lonely.
“Let me out.”
Through a gap in the window, I suddenly saw someone in the garden.
A young man and woman, merged together.
Filth, filth. Filth…
Just like the red-robed bishops I saw when I was young, writhing on the nuns.
…They looked so happy.
Yes, when I saw them as a child, those nuns… their faces weren’t filled with terror, but with smiles of pleasure.
I want to be happy too… No.
That is filth!
Finally, I reached my limit.
When I came to my senses, the convent was gone, the garden was gone, everything was gone.
Little Shadow appeared before me and extended her hand.
“Saint, your light is truly ‘gentle,’ isn’t it?”
…Huh?
“Because those illuminated by your light die without any pain, don’t they?”
Those words, like those of the bishop from long ago, brought me salvation.
And so,
Under the harsh criticism, I developed a rebellious spirit, and my limit suddenly arrived.
It made me determined.
This resolve brought tears to my eyes, and I involuntarily clasped my hands in prayer.
I will purify the entire world. SF Light Novel
I believe my faith in God has become even more steadfast now.
“It hurts…”
I didn’t die.
I remembered Little Shadow’s words.
“The most painful thing isn’t death, but not being able to die when you want to.”
Ah, that’s true.
Why must I suffer this pain?
“Ah…, ah… AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
I was so close, so close.
I was so close to the death I had always wanted… It hurts so much.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!”
Why do I have to suffer like this?
I covered my cheeks, but I couldn’t block out the pain.
The pain made me scream, and my light scattered uncontrollably in all directions.
Then, the one who inflicted this pain on me appeared before me.
A girl with white hair and crimson eyes.
“I will kill you.”
My skin was cut, my muscles were torn, my bones were severed.
Pain. I couldn’t think…
But I couldn’t die.
Wh-why! Why!
Lord, do you truly love me!
Ahhh… AAAAAAAAaaaah!
Purify everything.
Gathering the light, I formed it into a sword.
“Is that… the Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi! Hahaha! This is getting more interesting!”
I don’t know. Whatever.
“Please, kill me…”
“I will.”
So good…
Today, it’s finally my turn to be purified.
